Minimising the damage for children in custody disputes
Author: David B Smith
When mom and dad decide that they can no longer carry on together, this does not of course mean that either of them loves their children any less. Quite often, relationship breakdown tends to deepen the love parents have for their children, and it brings out the protective instincts in both parents.
For this reason though, the children can also become opportune weapons, used by one partner to hurt the other. The tragedy, of course, is that this tends to damage the little one even more than the parents!
If your number one concern is really for the happiness of your children, you must shield yourself from day one of your separation or divorce, to avoid criticizing or making derogatory statements about your former spouse in front of your son or daughter.
Niggling away at your estranged spouse through little payback comments that are difficult to challenge becomes painfully noticeable to your daughter or son after a while, and such criticisms only serve to keep alive the battle with your estranged partner.
Be the adult in the situation, so that your child, and only your child, gets to be the child.
Countless times, angered parents succumb to the temptation to take a shot at their former partner by returning kids a little later than scheduled, thus making a point of rights, or they deliberately change arrangements at the last moment, just to stay ahead in the pay-back stakes.
Once you have separated, you need to let go of the desire to hurt your ex for the pain you have endured together. If something seems uncalled-for, discuss this with your estranged partner and don't let it build up, and be sure to take out the, "this is so typical of you" tone, especially when you're within the hearing of the children.
When your child goes back to the other parent, they should not have to put up with the burden of hearing about how the other hates their behavior, potentially destroying what should have been a rewarding time with the other parent.
keep in mind that while you might resent having to be involved with your ex for the rest of your child's life, you are required to fulfill the responsibilities that have been born of that stage in your life that you spent together. Your children should not have to pay for that.
Do not forget that a psycho-emotional level, you are both a fundamental part of your child's character. You pull to pieces that identity when you put down your former spouse, as you not only create conflicting loyalties within your little one, but also unintentionally destroy the view they have of themselves, which in younger years is intricately linked to their understanding of their parents.
It will every time be in the best interests of your child to have the unconditional love of both dad and mom, and the working through of a difficult custody arrangement must be directed by the deliberate actions of the adults involved.
Relieving your daughter or son of the anxiety of dislocation, and helping them to hang on to their connection with both parents is generally the best you can do for a child. Managing your anger and moving beyond your personal frustrations with your former partner can be one of the best things you can do for your son or daughter.
For at the end of the day, you do want your children to learn that sometimes marriages do fail and that things do get difficult, but that, in the end, they can turn out right! This is what spirit is all about and developing this in your child has always got to be in your children's best interests.
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